An excerpt from the book, My New Normal by Charla Bocchicchio
The day John and I flew back to Salt Lake City from Birmingham happened to also be the eleven-year anniversary of my mom’s death. It felt like God, the universe, or whatever you want to call It, was screaming out to me, “I’m not finished with you yet, and I want you to feel everything until I am.”
I was exhausted … Uncle, already! I wasn’t quite sure how I was supposed to navigate life without Cassidy now. Strange, because I had been living away from her for nearly three years by this time. In 2012, Cassidy and I moved to Los Angeles together for acting opportunities. A couple years later, when Cassidy was once again spiraling out of control and had managed to sabotage any hope of a successful acting/modeling career, she moved back to Birmingham to be closer to her dad as well as a better recovery network (at least that was the hope). Not long after that, John and I decided to move to Utah in hopes of a simpler, less costly life outside of Southern California. But just because there was distance between me and Cassidy, didn’t mean it was easy for me to create healthy boundaries with her. By some miracle, I had finally reached a point where I could fall asleep at night and not worry every second where she was. I had learned to let go more than ever before in my life. I loved her immensely and I was able to accept that she was an adult and culpable for her own decisions. I had no control over her day-to-day life anymore.
When I came back to my regular daily activities in Salt Lake that week, it was incredibly easy to just forget that anything devastating had even happened. Other than the laminated bookmark of Cassidy’s obituary on my fridge and the few boxes of mementoes I had yet to go through from Birmingham, nothing had changed … really.
Except for the fact that I now slept with Cassidy in a box next to my bed, and that I had to take a sleep-aid at night, and that every time I went to sleep I prayed that I could dream about her, just to feel her with me once again.
I felt abandoned. I had always heard these beautiful stories of loved ones who had passed on, reaching out to make contact beyond the grave with those left behind. Speaking to them in a dream, showing themselves in some other ways, as a butterfly, or a song heard on the radio, a message from them somehow. Yet from Cassidy, my own flesh and blood, I got nothing! What am I, chopped liver? This made me feel angry, frustrated and so alone. I believed that I deserved to hear from her. Now!
One morning, I was awakened by a loud crash from somewhere in the bathroom. As we pulled ourselves out of bed to see what the hubbub was about, we saw that the floor-to- ceiling shower caddy had somehow (inconceivably) fallen over in the shower and landed with a crash, dumping shampoos, conditioners and body wash all over the shower floor.
Okay, this had never happened before and seemed impossible, really. We immediately blamed Cassidy for the mishap and had a good laugh (secretly, I wished she had written in secret letters on the glass shower door, which would only appear when the steam fogged up the room).
That same morning, Rachel, John’s oldest daughter who lived with us, recounted events from the previous day. She explained that she had twice found herself locked out of her bathroom downstairs (an event that had never happened to her before)! There was simply no other explanation! Cassidy had stayed in that bedroom two years previous when she came for a visit at Thanksgiving, before Rachel moved in with us. Another paranormal event that could only be explained by Cassidy!
I wanted more! I toyed around with the idea of going to see a medium (an idea that John wasn’t crazy about and one I let go of after more consideration). Then one morning, Chris sent John a Facebook message explaining that he had clearly received a “message” that night in a dream from Cassidy. It was for me. Why my ex-husband was messaging my now- husband after meeting each other for the first time to view our dead daughter, instead of messaging me directly, was beyond me. In any case, this is what he relayed:
Chris’s message to John:
I just woke from a dream. I got a message from Cassidy’s energy—it’s confusing to try and explain. The message was specifically for Charla. This is exactly what (let’s just call it Cassidy) said. She said, “Mom is really worried whether I’m safe and okay and really free from pain.” She then said to tell Mom that, finally, this isn’t about her. She then laughed (inside joke, I guess?). She then said, “Don’t worry, love saves everyone in the end—everyone—that saving love (that energy) is inside you and surrounding you now.” She said to also tell her to stop blaming herself, there was no combination of words or hugs that could have saved her from the pain she was running from, but that Mom’s love, your love and the love of all those who know how to love, burns away all the fear and all the pain in the final moment and leaves perfect Peace and Contentment in the ashes. She said to also tell her that it is okay to be okay, we’ve all suffered enough already. She said to say the last part twice. “The time to heal is now and this now has never existed before. Embrace it and breathe it in.” She couldn’t explain more … Apparently words don’t exist to describe it … She laughed again and then said, “You know this isn’t really ME me, this, this is all you, it’s where I live now. Love lives in you. Love lives inside Mom.”
… And that was it. When John showed me the message I was floored. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. This was the message I had yearned for, wanted more than anything. And I was pissed! Why couldn’t she just come directly to me? I couldn’t help but feel resentment that I got a secondhand (actually third-hand message) from my own daughter. She came out of my body, while I remained completely unmedicated, I might add, and yet she couldn’t just come directly to me to tell me this beautiful message from the other side? Why? Why didn’t I deserve that respect? I was baffled, confused, sad, angry, and grateful at the same time.
It was just what I needed. And I wanted more. I knew dreams held the key, so I slept more than I probably should, and still—nothing.
As I marinated in these confusing feelings, I realized that perhaps she would only come to me directly when I was really ready.
Shit! … Okay, Universe, message received loud and clear.
Apparently there is still some manner of internal garbage that I have yet to deal with before affording myself the luxury of intra-dimensional messages from loved ones on the other side. Sigh …
I think I may start looking for clarity tomorrow, on the corner of anger and forgiveness.
My New Normal 